Your face is a jimmy john
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
