Pants 0. Shit 1.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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