Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
