I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
