my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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