We won't sleep together?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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