i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
