hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
