our cab driver is having phone sex.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
