Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just had sex on a roof
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
