I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
