The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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