Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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