chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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