I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
