So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
