In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize