I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
