how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
it's like iHOP with fire
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
