I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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