I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
