Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize