Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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