know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
