mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
