Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
