I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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