My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
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You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
this is an emotional support booty call
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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