dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
