new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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