RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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