i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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