My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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