you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
