Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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