How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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