seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
