i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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