Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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