Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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