I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
