TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
