u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
