also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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