wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
