I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
