Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
