so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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