does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
