i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
