I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
