I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
