I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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