Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
