Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
