Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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