i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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