A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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