The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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