I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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