This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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