just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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